Lack of Positivity leads to Not so Positve Post...

I'm trying to think of a positive topic to write about but I really don't have one in mind.  I'm not really in a good place the past few days and trying to keep my eye on the brighter things in life has been difficult.  I felt I needed to write though so here I am.  For those who don't already know I have struggled with Major Depression since I was about 12 years old.  I've tried life with and without medication, and gone back and forth a few times.  Currently I am taking medication which has helped a lot, but it does not seem to be working as well as it used to.  Though I take it regularly I have little periods of a few days where things are just a little rough.  I always get through it, I know it won't last, but the few days really suck ass.

If any of you have ever struggled with depression you know how difficult life seems at times.  Even when there's really nothing negative going on or dragging you down, life just generally sucks.  You don't know what about it sucks, you don't know why you're upset or sad, you don't want to go anywhere, do anything, or even get out of bed and shower.  The simplest things become the most daunting tasks in the world. 

Now try explaining this feeling to those around you who have never experienced this intense feeling of helplessness, emptiness and complete and utter sadness.  Those who haven't been there have a really difficult time understanding that sometimes there's just no reason you feel this way.  They constantly ask "what's wrong? Is it 'this'? Is it 'that'?"  They assume there must be something wrong financially, with work, family, friends, or a relationship.  Sometimes it's just not that simple.  Sometimes you wish it were one of those things, at least then you'd know what the problem was and you would have something tangible to work on.  You want to stay away from people because you tire of answering their questions and begin to feel like a broken record repeating the phrase "I don't know" over and over again and frustrated they just can't accept those three words.  You try to look at the beautiful things in your life, the things which bring you happiness, your children, your pets, your loved ones....but everything just makes you sadder and you have to force a smile and fight the tears. 

You say to yourself countless times, "What's wrong with you?  Snap out of it!  Things are not that bad!"  While intellectually you know things are fine, your life is good, emotionally you just can't handle anything.  Even the 'happy' things make you cry, partially because you know it's a happy thing but all it does is make you cry, and partially because you are so upset with yourself that you can't just be 'okay' and 'normal' to smile at the little things in life...the things you normally love and enjoy so much just make you sadder because you are not able to even enjoy those.  You wonder how you can be so self-absorbed to not light up with joy when your child gives you a hug knowing that you're sad, instead you think, 'I'm such a horrible parent, I have such a great kid and I can't even give him an honest smile'.  You become so tired of faking it after so many years that you can't even do that anymore. 

You try not to but you sleep through your days, wanting to just get through to the next morning in hopes that you will feel a little more 'normal' that day. 

I don't really know where I'm going with this or how to even end this post, Like I said, I just felt I needed to write.  So I guess I'll just sign off for now.  Those of you who can relate to this I know there's not much to say or do to make you feel better, but hang in there.  Those of you who cannot relate but maybe know someone who suffers with depression, try to be understanding, don't ask too many questions but be there should they decide they want to talk.  Just be supportive....sometimes that means just being there...nothing more...just a presence.

Love Month

I really have been trying to keep up with this thing, but being that I have been without internet at home for a little bit it's been difficult.  Anyway...here we are in the month of love....The month with that ill-fated day where you are destined to whine, cry and question your self-worth while downing a gallon of ice-cream with a bag of cookies and a bottle of tequila if you are without a significant other by your side.  V-Day!  I honestly really hate this day.  While disguised as a day of appreciation for the one we love it is nothing but a Hallmark holiday.  How much money do you think will be spent on flowers, chocolates, wine and restaurants this Valentine's day?  And why is it people feel this one day of the year is the most opportune time to appreciate their loved one?  There are 364 more days in the year people.  Personally I find it much more meaningful when I get flowers, or a card, or some other little surprise on some random Tuesday of the year.  It means my significant other is thinking of me without the reminder of commercials on every radio station, the stores plastered in red and pink, and the random heart shaped items you see any which way you look.  Whether or not you have someone to share this day with is apparently corresponds to our value as a person.  I'm not judging, I've spent many a February 14 lonely and miserable, but when does this start?  I'll tell you when....at the ripe age of let's say....5-12?  Schools have our children decorate their own little mailbox for their classmates to deliver valentines to.  Then when everyone has distributed their cards, the children grab their box, dump in on their desk and see how many valentines they got.  Right away it becomes a competition about how many, from who, and which cards they got..."Is there some hidden meaning in that Disney card she gave me?  Why would she give me the one that says that?"  Doesn't this practice take away from the romance?  Not to mention these kids start at age 3, 4, 5?  And they don't even know why!  I had to Google St. Valentine today just to find out where this 'holiday' came from! 

Anyway, none of that was very positive, what I'm trying to get to here is that we should appreciate those we love on a daily basis, not just because corporate Canada/America/wherever you live says we should.  Plant a random kiss on your love, hide amorous notes in their pocket, hold their hand while you walk, and make them a nice meal from time to time.  Love and appreciation doesn't need to cost a fortune, it's not supposed to cost a thing.

Saturday becomes Monday thru Wednesday...

This being the night before my new shift begins I come to the realization that Friday has now become my Sunday.  Saturday, the day most people use to sleep in, spend time with family and take time to relax has become my Monday thru Wednesday.  Completing a week's worth of work in the matter of two days is pretty awesome.  I am reflecting on my week of Saturday's and finding the first week was not very productive...but that's okay.  I took the four days (I worked on Monday) to basically just recharge after the holidays.  I did manage to get a whole whack of laundry done so it's not like the productivity was non-existent.  I was able to go see the love of my life two days this week which was absolutely wonderful.  Only having two or three days between our visits is going to be absolutely fantastic!  I was able to do this while my son was in school, so nothing taken away from my time with him at all.  I did some groceries, did some post-holiday tidying, and spent a lot of quality evening time with the kiddo.  I even managed to actually cook a few meals this week....and by cook I mean 'not microwaved'.  The thing I notice most about the things I did do this week is that ALL of them were done at a relaxed and leisurely pace.  I didn't feel any pressure to get anything done right away, no stress of how much was not getting done at all, and nothing actually felt like a chore.  Amazing what time will give you.  As much as I didn't feel I accomplished much, I wasn't stressed or overwhelmed by all that needs to be done, I was relaxed because I was suddenly aware of all this free time I have to complete it all.  Oh time, where have you been all my life?  Well...for at least the last 10 years or so...

New Beginnings...

As cliche as it seems to begin the new year with a post about new beginnings it just seems fitting for me at this point in time regardless of the time of year.  I feel somewhat hyprocritical when I made a statement the other day about how I find it funny people choose the new year to make resolutions for change when every day is a new beginning.  Every day, every hour and every moment in our lives is an opportunity to make a difference in this world.  Change doesn't need to be something earth shattering or huge, it can be the smallest things we do which make us feel good, make us smile and make us feel proud of who we are.  Change is not about being someone better, it's about being who we want to be.  For me, I want to be a better mother for my son, a more organized person in my life, someone who "has their shit together", you know?  A lot of people seem to think I already have it together; that I manage a full time job, a mortgage and car payments, my 11 year old son and everything else that goes along with it all, and that I do it all on my own seems to make me a 'got it together' kinda gal.  It sure doesn't feel like it a lot of the time though. 

With the christmas season over and a lot of unwanted (on my part) busy-ness out of the way I feel I have had a bit of a chance to mull over some of the changes in my life as of late.  At the end of November I requested a full-time weekend position at work so I would be able to be more of a presence in my son's life during the week.  I love my job, and I love the people I work with, and I also like the monday to friday gig...it keeps me in a routine (as disorganized as it seems at times); However, working on a rotating schedule of daytime and evening shifts has taken a bit of a toll on my spawn.  One week I work 3-11, where he comes home to an empty house, has dinner with family or friends, and puts himself to bed.  We get all of a half an hour together on those days while I'm rushing him off to school in the mornings.  The following week, while I am home in the evening, he wakes upto an empty house, makes himself a lunch and heads off to school.  Weekends consist of visits, housework, homework and rest.  Not a lot of "quality" time together.  He spends a lot of time in an empty house with only the dogs as company.  I have visions of the old fable of a boy raised by wolves...I know that's a little extreme, but you'd be surprised what thoughts can cross a mother's mind when she questions her parenting abilities.  So this week I begin my new shift.  Off monday to friday, and work a double shift both saturday and sunday.  There are a lot of pros and cons which go along with this....

Pros:  More time at home, less time at work, same pay, essentially double the vacation time

Cons:  Miss out on weekday happenings at work, leave my fabulous team of awesomeness,

Okay maybe not as many as I thought....Anyway, I've had a lot of mixed feelings about the switch, but I know it is what I wanted and I need to keep my priorities in mind.  I have an incredible team (of one) at work who I am extremely sad to leave.  Though we've only been a team for a few months now we have worked extremely well together from the start.  I think you are really the main reason for the mixed feelings around this schedule change.  I couldn't have hand picked a better teammate for myself.  I really try not to mix my personal and professional life, but sometimes we meet people in our professional lives we just are not ready to let go of.  I know it's not the "end" but I will miss you dearly my friend, coffee dates for sure!!  :)

Okay...re-focus.....So five days off during the week will give me time to basically be a "stay-at-home" mom.  I can drive my kid to school, be here when he gets home, attend any performances during the day, not have to worry about leaving work or taking time off if he's sick and needs to stay home from school.  I will have plenty of time to maintain my household, get shopping done, keep up on laundry, keep up on cleaning, and have all these things not feel like so much of a chore because I have 5 days to do them all not just 1.  I can visit my boyfriend more than once a week and not feel guilty for leaving my kid one day of the weekend to do it because he will be in school and not miss a thing.  I can be here for my dogs on a regular basis, they will not need to be locked up for 8 hours, 5 days a week, they can just be here and be free, take more frequent trips to the dog park where they can actually run more than 4 strides at a time.  Yes, I know this is a good decision for me and I feel very lucky to have to opportunity to be able to do it. 

I remember I once came to the realization that my job is my way of making a living, not my way of life.  This shouldn't change just because my line of work changed.  My life is my kid, my family, my boyfriend, my dogs....MYSELF....As much as I love my job and I want to make a difference in those kids lives, I need to start by making a difference in my own, and making sure someone else doesn't need to make a difference in my own son's life, because I want to be that difference.  He is the reason I've done everything I have thus far, and he is the reason I will do anything and everything else in my life.  Sometimes we just need a reminder of what's important in life....sometimes there are many important things/people in our lives and we need to take the time to prioritize and re-prioritize. 

I think I've got it straight.....for now....

RB

Return to Innocence

So here we go, day one again.  I was telling my boyfriend about this blog last night on the phone and how I had been reading over my old posts as a reminder.  He called me a nerd...lol.  I laughed and reminded him this is one of the things he loves about me to which he agreed.  He admitted this was something he would never think to take the time to do.  Personally, I'm glad I have decided to revisit this part of my life.  As I write I am happy, calm and a smile comes to my face just thinking of the little things which made me smile today.  Nothing spectacular, nothing earth-shattering, just pure moments of joy in a day filled with sleep deprivation, the busy-ness of things to do at work, and an excruciatingly long drive home in bumper to bumper traffic.  As I try to recall the times I genuinely smiled today it's nothing but those simple things in life which come to mind.  Troubled youth at yet another difficult time in their life, singing their little hearts out as if no one is listening.  Using the one universal language in this world to self-soothe and unknowingly create a moment of joy in another person's life.  I think of the lo-o-o-ng drive home where I too did nothing but sing my own little heart out to pass the time.  Not caring if the occupants of the surrounding vehicles thought I looked silly, just enjoying one of my own favorite things....music.  The beat that has my fingers tapping on the steering wheel, my heading bopping up and down, and the sound of my voice bellowing out the words of a complete stranger which seem to speak to me so deeply.  Arriving home to the smile on a young boys face, who's own joy is captured in the return home of his mother; the hug I get from him when I come up the stairs and the eager stories I hear about his day;  The sound of my phone ringing, knowing it's someone who loves me completely and unconditionally...calling to see how my day was, share his own tales, and telling me how much he misses and loves me.  These are the things that made my day today.  May you all enjoy the little things you experienced today in the hectic and busy world we live.  Singing as if no-one is listening, dancing as if no-one is watching, and telling those you care about exactly how much you love them.  Think of it as a return to innocence, a child who sings to hear their voice, dances because they are happy, and don't shy away from their excitement of seeing those they love.

Too little....Not too late

Wow, 9 months since I last posted...so much for sticking with it, huh?  Oh well, better late than never.  I was inspired last night by a co-worker who's blog I discovered.  I read so many inspiring things in her posts that I was reminded of this one I set up.  It didn't feel like it was THAT long ago I did it....guess time really does fly.  So today will be the first installment of what I hope to be a continuous daily journal of the positive things I encounter each day.  Some might be huge things, some might be small, but regardless of the content, I hope each story inspires someone.

I made it!!!! Day 10 of Positive Goodness :)

okay...so it's a day late, but yesterday was day 10 and I have succeeded in my 10 day postings of positive things. I had a really great day yesterday. I went to school and attended a presentation on Schizophrenia. It was presented by about a dozen men and women who suffer from the disorder in the manner of a play. It was so well done and had me in tears at one point. It gave me such an understanding of what these men and women go through on a daily basis. I left the presentation with such a positive feeling and feeling very fortunate about the disorders I have faced in my own life. Things could be so much more difficult.

I went to work after school and was then told to "fuck off!" by a 15 year old girl three times in the first 10 minutes of my shift. It was a moment of realization of what I will be doing for the rest of my working life, and how much I am looking forward to showing these kids I will accept them even in their roughest moments.

After work I met up with a few friends and had a couple of drinks, sang a couple of songs and had a really enjoyable rest of the night. It was really just a good day overall. I didn't feel any negativity throughout my day at all.

Until next time my friends, stay positive! :)