I'm trying to think of a positive topic to write about but I really don't have one in mind. I'm not really in a good place the past few days and trying to keep my eye on the brighter things in life has been difficult. I felt I needed to write though so here I am. For those who don't already know I have struggled with Major Depression since I was about 12 years old. I've tried life with and without medication, and gone back and forth a few times. Currently I am taking medication which has helped a lot, but it does not seem to be working as well as it used to. Though I take it regularly I have little periods of a few days where things are just a little rough. I always get through it, I know it won't last, but the few days really suck ass.
If any of you have ever struggled with depression you know how difficult life seems at times. Even when there's really nothing negative going on or dragging you down, life just generally sucks. You don't know what about it sucks, you don't know why you're upset or sad, you don't want to go anywhere, do anything, or even get out of bed and shower. The simplest things become the most daunting tasks in the world.
Now try explaining this feeling to those around you who have never experienced this intense feeling of helplessness, emptiness and complete and utter sadness. Those who haven't been there have a really difficult time understanding that sometimes there's just no reason you feel this way. They constantly ask "what's wrong? Is it 'this'? Is it 'that'?" They assume there must be something wrong financially, with work, family, friends, or a relationship. Sometimes it's just not that simple. Sometimes you wish it were one of those things, at least then you'd know what the problem was and you would have something tangible to work on. You want to stay away from people because you tire of answering their questions and begin to feel like a broken record repeating the phrase "I don't know" over and over again and frustrated they just can't accept those three words. You try to look at the beautiful things in your life, the things which bring you happiness, your children, your pets, your loved ones....but everything just makes you sadder and you have to force a smile and fight the tears.
You say to yourself countless times, "What's wrong with you? Snap out of it! Things are not that bad!" While intellectually you know things are fine, your life is good, emotionally you just can't handle anything. Even the 'happy' things make you cry, partially because you know it's a happy thing but all it does is make you cry, and partially because you are so upset with yourself that you can't just be 'okay' and 'normal' to smile at the little things in life...the things you normally love and enjoy so much just make you sadder because you are not able to even enjoy those. You wonder how you can be so self-absorbed to not light up with joy when your child gives you a hug knowing that you're sad, instead you think, 'I'm such a horrible parent, I have such a great kid and I can't even give him an honest smile'. You become so tired of faking it after so many years that you can't even do that anymore.
You try not to but you sleep through your days, wanting to just get through to the next morning in hopes that you will feel a little more 'normal' that day.
I don't really know where I'm going with this or how to even end this post, Like I said, I just felt I needed to write. So I guess I'll just sign off for now. Those of you who can relate to this I know there's not much to say or do to make you feel better, but hang in there. Those of you who cannot relate but maybe know someone who suffers with depression, try to be understanding, don't ask too many questions but be there should they decide they want to talk. Just be supportive....sometimes that means just being there...nothing more...just a presence.
